And, I love that damn song AND I still to this fucking DAY cannot fucking find that mix I very first heard, for the ever loving life of me. That mix that they were playing that morning at that club across the street on Peachtree from the old Metro, where I almost passed out from dehydration. Probably because I was listening to the song and taking its' advice a little too seriously for once and just found myself enslaved to my fascination to this music blasting out of that shitty sound system. I just could not stop dancing long enough to get myself a bottled water. Why couldn't I have been that open minded "back in tha day", when "That" diva was singing, "Don't get caught up?" My mind was open alright, but my eyes were wide-shut basically. At least I had fun, and that is everything in the world to me anyway.
Good times...
In looking back over the years, I have picked up on something, and that is the fact that, music really does talk to me. It has had many, many, many conversations with me, and I didn't even hear them until much later. Then when I finally play that long lost song many months or so later, I realize a strange coincidence within the lyrics of the music. Almost everything that those diva's are singing about is semi-verbatim of whatever it was, that I was going through, for the duration of whatever memory that was shadowing over the particular episode of my life.
The first time I noticed it was in the very early stages of 2000-2002, with "Caught up." That was the song in which I had the grand epiphany over her message. At that point in my multi-faceted partying stages, I learned that I never really payed any attention to the lyrics of the songs, I just like the beats and the music. I was so entranced all over my entire body at the circuitry, and the emotional power that this music had over me, it was overwhelming.
My best friend, Dixie made me realize this one day, actually. We were listening to music, and I was playing a song that I loved, and for some reason he hated the song and I asked him why. He told me that he hated whatever it was that she was talking about in the song, and that the lyrics didn't make sense. So I started the song over again, and AGAIN...I realized that I never really payed attention but he was right. They were very stupid and meaningless, although I never stopped listening to it.
2003. My most unhappy year of any of my years to date. 3rd Street, and Scott Rail, and all of my so called friends, getting high as nigger pie, swooshin' & swirlin' down the road in the car with my favorite friend and drug dealer to my VERY favorite song at the time by Angie Stone called Bottles & Cans, that belted out how she would "Rather be homeless in the street, with no food to eat." That infamous song that was a floorfiller at Blu. Loved it and still do, but less than a week later, those bottles 'n cans came to my house; suprising me. Who was that unexpected guest knocking SO loudly at my door while I was watching my favorite movie, Girl Interrupted, no less!! It was the Sheriff there to carry out the eviction of my life; and my mistakes; and to see to it that I was dumped heartlessly into the parking lot. Even my cat, Misha, ran away and got set free into the wild because I couldn't even keep her calm. And not only because I COULD NOT EVEN get one friend to help me get my material belongings gathered and taken somewhere, -- I didn't even have a fucking place to take them, no money, no shelter, let alone "Food to eat", for ME or the CAT. :'( No longer was I whoopin it up and screaming the lyrics out of my swirly mess in people like Scott Rail's car, thinkin' I was cute, and neither were those people anywhere to be found. And the ones that I did manage to get in contact with had "prior engagements", and did not have time, or told me that they were on their way and NEVER SHOWED UP. Ironically, EVERY SINGLE LAST one of them, in the very end; Yep, they all picked up bottles 'n cans in one way or another. Most of those people are in prison today. But don't get me wrong!! Through all of this bad, came a HELL OF A LOT OF FUN honey...A helluvalotta fun, bitches!
There have been other songs with stories like this, but the entire reason for my writing this particular entry is due to my eerie experiences with this theory lately. I mean the whole Paul thing. All of the music that seronaded us at Uptown Square, the memories; and my strange and sudden finding of Rihanna's "Cry", & "Rehab", while I was there; at his apartment, awaiting his release from Rice Street.
On a lighter note; there were more fun and happy songs that seronaded these episodes during the Paul era...such as Annagrace's, "You make me feel." Here are the lyrics but scroll down and play the video and then follow along with the lyrics if you want. The video is real cute too. Who the fuck is she and where the hell did she come from, right??!!! LOVE HER.
Inside out, upside down
There's no doubt
Boy you're driving me crazy
Mystified, hypnotized
Cannot fight
Oh resistance is fading
Come on boy and take my hand
I want you to be my man
No, you don't understand
I'm going crazy
You're playing this _______
_____ to my hungry soul
I'm losing my self control
I'm going crazy
You make me feel, so real
You are my obsession
You make me feel, so real
You are my obsession
You make me feel, so real
You are my obsession
You make me feel, so real
You are my obsession
All my vein, down the drain
_____________
Boy you're driving me crazy
Soul divine, know my mind
All club night
Oh resistance is fading
Come on boy and take my hand
I want you to be my man
No, you don't understand
I'm going crazy
You're playing this _______
_____ to my hungry soul
I'm losing my self control
I'm going crazy
You make me feel, so real
You are my obsession
You make me feel, so real
You are my obsession
You make me feel, so real
You are my obsession
You make me feel, so real
You are my obsession
REHAB
Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
When you left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shot
That spun me around
And now my heart left
I feel so empty and hollow
And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize The ways you hit me Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke all
These cigarettes no more
I guess this is what I get
For wishful thinking
Should've never let you into my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my decease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab'
Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab'
Cause baby you're my disease
Damn, Ain't it crazy When you're loveswept?
You'll do anything
For the one you love'
Cause anytime
That you needed me
I'd be there
It's like
You were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way
That I was using you
But now that I know
That it's not meant to be
You gotta go
I gotta win myself over you ....
I was really feeling this strange attachment to Rihanna during this time through Rehab and Cry, and once again; never really had any personal emotional attachment to the songs, nor did I really know what the lyrics were saying except in parts. I just felt something inside of me that I cannot explain.
It was not until MUCH later; after Paul slammed the door in my face for good; that I realized, once again, another song was trying to talk to me. I felt so deeply about those two songs. They say exactly what I would say in such a poetic way to Paul. I wish I could let him know exactly how I feel because of how he mistreated me, my friendship, and all of my love for him. It really did mean nothing to him, because if it did, he would have never let me go.
I'm so sad at how he could just up and leave, just like that----so coldly. And, after all that I had accomplished for him. They were miracles that even people who are somewhat appreciative, would have never stopped loving, and thanking me for, LET alone; dismissed me out of their life for. Most people would seriously miss me, and vice-versa, when we would be apart for very long, but not Paul. He just completely dismissed me for NO reason at all. I feel so used; emotionally, in a fabricated way, and in a sick and twisted way; I feel violated and tricked in a criminal way.
But DAMNIT I miss HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is why, I mean look how cute he is...
So charming and adoreable. You can't fucking help, but love that boy no matter what he screws up. I do love that boy. Damn. My heart sinks as I am writing this so here are the lyrics for Cry, which might as well have been written:
For, Paul. From, Allie---here it is---
CRY :'(
I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
Cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truely
But at the time it didn't mean a thing
My mind is gone, i'm spinning round
And deep inside, my tears i'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel
This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry
Did it happen when we first kissed
Cause it's hurting me to let it go
Maybe cause we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more
I shoulda never let you hold me baby
Maybe why i'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Gotta figure out how you stole my heart
My mind is gone, i'm spinning round
And deep inside, my tears i'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel
This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry
How did I get here with you, i'll never know
I never meant to let it get so, personal
After all I tried to do, stay away from loving you
I'm broken hearted, I can't let you know
And I won't let it show
You won't see me cry
This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry
This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry
All my life...
That song makes me cry because I think of everything that Paul and I experienced together, and now he's gone and left me all alone. I'm so fucking sad I'm crying and I thought I was over this, and maybe I am just workin' through my emotions right now and it will pass. I loved him.
You know ultimately, it's NOT about the things that I do for people; nor what I did for Paul, but he did such a disservice to my love & pure and good hearted friendship for him, that he envoked me to have to pull that scorecard. That typical manipulative card; much like, "Grasping for straws", that in most situations usually makes the person look really stupid; but not with Paul. I am completely justified for feeling this way.
I got him the best god damned attorney that NO money could ever buy; who was very well connected in the Fulton County legal system. I made sure that he got out of jail and didn't have to get his case bound over like the other 54 inmates did, which held them in their cells another 15 or 30 or so days.
Not only that I waved some kind of magic wand over his apartment, and managed to do what I had thought was helping out 2 really awesome friends when I found out that my friend Chris and his Bf brokeup and he had all his shit packed and nowhere to live. I couldn't have thought of a better situation then for the both of them to be temporary roommates. Not to mention that I was completely infatuated with my recent and new friendship with Chris. I found him to be so purely honest, and I fucking adored him. In all of my 15 years of these fags and these fakes and all the partying and thousands of people I have gotten to know; Chris is the ONLY one that ever told me the truth about something very painful for me from my past, and that really meant so much to me; and I let him know and we bonded from there, and so, when Paul pulled the big stunt fuck on me that seroquel induced night; he pulled it also on my Chris, and I not only lost Paul; but I also lost Chris, and to this day don't know why he would have ever gotten upset with me when all I did was try to help; but what can I do? It really hurts terribly when I think about it, because I really do adore Chris. Thanks to Paul for fucking me over in so many FUCKING ways. I lost a lot because of Paul, and his dissappointing me because I sooo believed him AND believed IN HIM, to poor fucking judgement. How wrong of me. That Annagrace song; by the way TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF CHRIS. I miss him so much.
....And all it took was his ex-PIECE OF SHIT, boyfriend, Anthony; the MASTER MANIPULATOR, himself, to come back into the picture casting his spell, or whatever on Paul, stealing him right out of my life, and Paul was whisked away, right in front of my face---------- WITH NOTHING TO SAY.
NO APOLOGY, NO EXPLINATION. Fuck off, would have made me feel better, and this I swear on my life I truly mean because THEN, I'd have a reason to hate him at least. Then again, you can't change the past, blabbity blabbity blah blah blah.
What am I talking about?
........I could never hate Paul for anything.
...but this too shall pass, and in time this will be a distant memory although I will never stop thinking about what happened with Paul & with Chris.
These are the powerful emotional moments, and times in my life that I have had so many of; over my lifetime, that I usually forget details.
This is such a cheap and tacky version of the intensity of my emotions and the actuality of the intricate and multi-faceted details, but there ya have it. It's all I've got. I love him and I lost him.
.....So, to learn a valuable lesson, I will be paying close attention to music that emminates through to my soul in the future like it is my job. I can't wait for the music. And even though I have since moved to the country, I will never stop listening and downloading and researching the latest and best releases. you all have not heard the last from akat. And remember that music really can be the answer to your problems whether contained in the lyrics; or felt emotionally, if you just close your eyes and try to feel, it can be therapeutic and get you through, even if it is just for the duration of the chorus, the day, or forever. I owe my life to it.
And for my final illustration of meaninful songs, this one about sums it up concerning my life in Atlanta and all of the plastic cracked out sporks that ever hurt me, or tried to take me down and hurt my feelings.
Who needs THAT? And, not that I am AAAAANNNNy better than them; because I do miss that lifestyle and the freedom I so carelessly indulged in every single fucking day, but it really does suck you up, and chew you up, and then it forgets to spit you out-and SO BEGINS THE VICIOUS CYCLE; and lifestyle, that I now refer to as DISTURBIA; hence the symobology in my blog name. I hate that word, blog. Bleh.
****And to that, I leave you with the song that sums it ALL up for how I feel about that sub-culture I just mentioned that I used to be such a part of.
Disturbia has got to be the most symbolic song out of all the music I could list.
Disturbia
What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now
No more gas in the rig
Can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said
Can't even speak about it
All my life out my head
Don't want to think about it
Feels like I'm going insane Yeah
It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort
Put on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter, be wise
Your mind's in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Faded pictures on the wall
It's like they talkin' to me
Disconnectin' phone calls
The phone don't even ring
I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort
It's a thief in the night To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you A disease of the mind It can control you I feel like a monster Put on your brake lights We're in the city of wonder Ain't gonna play nice Watch out, you might just go under Better think twice Your train of thought will be altered So if you must falter, be wise Your mind is in disturbia It's like the darkness is the light Disturbia Am I scaring you tonight Your mind is in disturbia Ain't used to what you like Disturbia Disturbia Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Release me from this curse I'm in Trying to maintain But I'm struggling If you can go, go, go I think I'm going to oh, oh, oh Put on your brake lights We're in the city of wonder Ain't gonna play nice Watch out, you might just go under Better think twice Your train of thought will be altered So if you must faulter be wise Your mind is in disturbia It's like the darkness is the light Disturbia Am I scaring you tonight Your mind is in disturbia Ain't used to what you like Disturbia Disturbia
